Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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