Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
