girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
