I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
