i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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