I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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