My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
