I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
