i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize