I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
