imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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