Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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