Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
