I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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