my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
