Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
