I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Randomize
