My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
