Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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