I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
