She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize