I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize