me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
