its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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