I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
