I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
