my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
