why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
