You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
