You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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