Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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