you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We are all done wearing pants today
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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