obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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