the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
