People with herpes should wear stickers.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
