How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
