I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
