matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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