I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize