uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
