I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
