Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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