you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize