Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
