Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
