just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
