dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
