This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
