....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
