so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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