is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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