I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
