So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
