Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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