It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Randomize
