I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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