Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
