I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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